Working with parents is a walk in the park—said no child therapist ever. I, for one, have never found working with parents to be easy. I’d say that 60% of my work involves dealing with difficult parents. Some have me under a microscope; some have unrealistic expectations and timelines; some are in denial and can’t see how they might be affecting their children.
Why is my son still acting rudely? He’s had 3 sessions already.
Do you seriously think that playing with puppets is going to help my child?
He’s the laziest child I have; his sister and brother aren’t lazy like he is.
If she doesn’t improve her grades soon, she’ll never amount to anything.
I’ll never forget Michael (name changed for confidentiality) and his parents. Michael was a 15-year-old I met years ago, who was about to be expelled for throwing his backpack at a teacher, skipping school, and failing most of his classes. If you’ve worked with teens, you’ve likely met a “Michael” or two—or a dozen. During the intake session, his parents rattled off a laundry list of issues: lazy, disrespectful, and on a fast track to becoming Uncle Dan’s—who, as the family legend goes, never finished high school, couldn’t hold a job, and lives alone in a rundown shack. Michael’s parents were convinced that therapy was his last chance at a “normal” life.
They were skeptical of me and the therapeutic process right from the start (understandable—it takes time to build trust). They canceled sessions more often than I misplaced my keys (and that’s a LOT!). When they did show up, they spent much of the time blaming Michael. “He needs to understand that if he doesn’t get his act together, he’s going to end up just like Uncle Dan,” his mother told me. “He’s ungrateful; we invest so much in him. My parents didn’t have a dime for me,” his dad vented. After a few sessions, they threatened to stop therapy because Michael’s grades hadn’t improved and he was still being rude.
Michael, on the other hand, showed up on time for sessions. He opened up about what was happening at school and at home. He shared his frustrations about his teachers and friendships, his parents’ high expectations, the strict household rules, and the constant comparison to his “perfect” older sister.
The Real Challenges with Parental Involvement
Michael’s parents aren’t unique. In many ways, all parents present challenges, and our role as therapists is to navigate these complex relationships. The dynamic between therapist, parents, and child can be intricate. Who is our main client? How do we keep parents informed while maintaining the trust of the teen? The answers to these questions vary by case and therapist.
In this blog, you’ll gain new insights into the complexities of working with parents and learn three key principles for building more effective and collaborative relationships with them. These approaches can help you better support both the child and their family throughout the therapeutic process.
Why Parents Matter So Much in Therapy
Working with parents is notoriously challenging, but it is also where some of the most significant breakthroughs occur. Parents are their child’s first and most important attachment figures, and therefore the most important figures in their therapeutic process. D. W. Winnicott famously said, “There’s no such thing as a baby. There is a baby and someone.” That someone, of course, is a parental figure who profoundly influences the child’s development and well-being.
Research consistently shows that the therapeutic process is significantly influenced by the involvement and attitudes of the parents. According to the American Psychological Association, children whose parents are actively involved in therapy show greater improvements in treatment outcomes compared to those whose parents are less involved. This highlights the crucial role parents play in the therapeutic process and underscores the importance of effectively engaging with them.
Unpacking the Complexities of Parental Dynamics
Understanding the complexities of working with parents involves recognizing the diverse challenges they face. Many parents come to therapy with high levels of stress, guilt, and sometimes unrealistic expectations about the speed and nature of their child’s progress. Historically, family dynamics have always played a crucial role in the development and behavior of children. As therapists, we need to understand that these dynamics are often deeply rooted and multifaceted.
Another child who came to me for therapy, Emily (name changed for confidentiality), had parents who were going through a tumultuous divorce. Emily’s erratic behavior at school was a direct reflection of the instability she felt at home. Her parents worried about her behavior. They were quick to blame her for not “coping well,” and wondered if she had ADHD or other severe behavioral issues. Soon, however, it became evident that their conflict was a significant contributing factor.
A young boy whose parents were extremely overprotective came to see me at my clinic. His anxiety was exacerbated by his parents’ constant hovering and fear of letting him experience any form of failure. The therapeutic process involved working not just with the child but also helping the parents understand the impact of their behavior and guiding them toward more supportive and less controlling practices.
Three Key Tips for Working with Parents
To navigate our work with parents effectively, there are three simple yet key principles to keep in mind. These principles can transform the way we engage with parents, making the therapeutic journey smoother and more productive for everyone involved. Let’s dive in.
Empathy: The Secret Ingredient
Empathy is essential when working with parents. Parenting is the hardest job in the world! As therapists, we can sometimes forget how difficult it is for parents to admit their child needs therapy, and how brave and anxiety-provoking it is to seek help. Parents often feel shame and guilt about their perceived failures. They worry that their child’s struggles reflect poorly on their parenting. Michael’s parents were no exception. They were terrified that their son’s academic and behavioral struggles meant something about who they were as people, and parents. What does it say about me if my child is failing school? What will it mean about me if my child can’t hold a job? Acknowledging these feelings can go a long way in building a collaborative relationship. Empathy creates a bridge to understanding and is key to getting parents on board as true partners in the process.
Seeing Beyond the Surface
Understanding the “Parental Awareness” of the parents we work with can help us tailor our approach. Our role is to develop X-ray vision to see beyond parents’ anger, anxiety and sometimes harsh judgments of their child, and to decode what underlying beliefs and motivations are guiding their parenting. For example, some parents are ego-centric and view their child as an extension of themselves. These parents might need help recognizing their child as an individual with different wants and needs. Other parents might be more conventional, adhering strictly to societal norms and expectations. They might need help in understanding that each child’s journey is unique. Recognizing these different levels of awareness can guide us in better meeting parents where they are, so that we can help them and their children overcome challenges.
The Hope Factor
Holding hope is critical for successful therapy with parents. Parents are worn out and usually come to us when they have run out of ideas or energy to help their child or teen themselves. Part of our job is to keep hope alive and infuse parents with the belief that children and teens can change, and so can they. They can learn new ways of thinking about and reflecting on their children, which can result in new ways of relating to them. In the words of positive psychologist Martin Seligman, “Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement; nothing can be done without hope.” Parents play a crucial role in their child’s well-being, and fostering hope is an essential part of that process.
Wrapping It Up: Building Stronger Parent-Therapist Relationships
Working with parents is tough. Every parent and child comes with their own set of complexities and challenges. The impact we have as therapists extends beyond the individual child; it resonates through the entire family and can lead to positive change. Being empathetic, deepening our understanding of parental perspectives, and holding hope can make a real difference in our work with kids and parents. Here’s to better relationships with parents and to effective and fulfilling therapy for kids and teens everywhere!
We want to hear from you! How is working with parents for you? Which of the three principles did you find most helpful? What other considerations do you have when working with parents?
