Imagine the worst day of work you’ve ever had. Your car wouldn’t start in the morning, so you ran to make the bus, missed the bus, and arrived late to your first session, which had a knock-on effect on the entire, packed day. Your stress isn’t helped by your young clients, all of whom seem to be taking out their anger on you. It’s a terrible day, but you know you can change it so that tomorrow is better. But what happens when you can’t change it? That’s the reality of a child who hates school.
School is to children what work is to adults: a significant part of daily life that can be fulfilling but also immensely stressful. Kids and teens spend most of their waking hours at school, just as we spend most of our waking hours at work. Our environments influence our mental health – it’s unavoidable – and as a result, stress can become a child’s dominant association with school.
As therapists, we may be called on to help our young clients navigate school stress, but first we have to grasp its roots if we are to help kids manage their stress.
Stressors at School
Think back to your own years at school, however long ago that may be. How was it for you? Did you feel relieved to graduate? Did you move schools? How were your friend groups? Were you bullied? Did you ever feel like you weren’t smart enough? Did you feel way to much pressure to succeed? The same stress we experienced in school hasn’t gone away, but it has been compounded with additional issues like social media.
Younger children may experience stress when it comes to keeping up with classwork and gaining approval from their teachers, as well as fitting in with their peers and feeling accepted. Teens deal with all of that, plus additional complexities like identity, peer pressure, academic performance and looming decisions of career paths and post-graduation plans.
Adults, in a horrible work environment, can apply elsewhere and make a change relatively quickly. Children are trapped in school until they graduate, making it all the more crucial to equip them with tools to manage their stress effectively and improve their experience of school.
Why Parents Matter So Much in Therapy
Think back to your own years at school, however long ago that may be. How was it for you? Did you feel relieved to graduate? Did you move schools? How were your friend groups? Were you bullied? Did you ever feel like you weren’t smart enough? Did you feel way to much pressure to succeed? The same stress we experienced in school hasn’t gone away, but it has been compounded with additional issues like social media.
Younger children may experience stress when it comes to keeping up with classwork and gaining approval from their teachers, as well as fitting in with their peers and feeling accepted. Teens deal with all of that, plus additional complexities like identity, peer pressure, academic performance and looming decisions of career paths and post-graduation plans.
Adults, in a horrible work environment, can apply elsewhere and make a change relatively quickly. Children are trapped in school until they graduate, making it all the more crucial to equip them with tools to manage their stress effectively and improve their experience of school.
Stressors for children at school may include:
- Academic Pressure: Concerns about keeping up with school work, performing well on tests, and meeting high academic standards.
- Social Dynamics: Challenges with friendships, bullying, feeling left out, or social anxiety.
- Teacher Relationships: Difficulties in feeling supported or liked by teachers.
- Future Uncertainty: Anxiety about future career choices, college applications, and post-graduation plans.
Unpacking the Complexities of Parental Dynamics
Dana* hated school because she was mocked by her peers for her accent and her glasses. She was initially keen to contribute in class when she joined her new school, but soon clammed up when she would have her classmates mocking the way she spoke, copying the things she said but with an exaggerated accent. They would pretend they couldn’t see where they were going, knocking into things, as if they were Dana* without her glasses. No one had ever done these things to her at her previous school and she began resenting her parents for making her move to a new country where people treated her like this.
She started hiding in bathrooms to cry, because she didn’t want to be humiliated about that too. Her solution was to stop speaking up in class, only to then have her teachers criticize her in her report cards that she was too quiet and needed to participate more. The final straw was when she found out some girls in her class had made a TikTok mocking her that had got tens of thousands of views. Feeling like her peers and teachers hated her, she started pretending to get sick just so she could stop going to school. She didn’t want to upset her parents by telling them how miserable she was; she knew how much stress they were under since the big move.
Not all school stress results in kids hating school. Robin* liked school – a lot, actually. He didn’t enjoy school holidays much, since he’d rather be learning, which is unusual for a 17-year-old. He was very academic, excelled in all his classes, was on the star team for debating and ran a bunch of charity drives. He was well-liked, always invited to parties and had a group of friends around him at all times. However, school was a major source of stress to him. He had his sights set on studying at an Ivy League university and planned to study medicine. His program was immensely competitive and he was aware that it didn’t matter how good his grades were – every other applicant had good grades. He had to have the best grades if he was going to stand a chance. It also didn’t help that his parents only seemed to indicate how proud they were of him when he excelled. They would always brag to their friends how their boy was going to Yale.
As a result, Robin* cut back on sleep to put more time into his studying. He also reduced time he spent with friends, choosing to attend extra lessons instead. He deleted his social media so he could focus on schoolwork. He would have panic attacks if he scored ‘badly’ on a test, even though his idea of scoring badly would be most other students’ dream score on a test. He started losing sleep, unable to still his mind from his racing thoughts: What if he didn’t get accepted for his degree? What if his top choice of university rejected him? What would his parents say?
How can therapists help?
After identifying the root causes of the school-related stress, the next step is to help our young clients create potential solutions. This collaborative approach is essential to empowering them. While we might see an easy ‘fix’, we aren’t the metaphorical boots on the ground. They are the ones who have to deal with the stress and the potential fall-out if a solution doesn’t work, after all.
One of the most valuable tools that kids and teenagers can learn to help deal with school stress is mindfulness. Mindfulness fosters a greater sense of calm and emotional resilience and can be practiced anytime and anywhere, using techniques like focused breathing, meditation and an increased sense of awareness. By employing mindfulness techniques, young people can manage their stress responses more effectively.
Mindfulness doesn’t have the power to make the problems that cause stress go away, but mindfulness helps kids and teens become more aware of their own thoughts and feelings, thus reducing anxiety levels. When approaching problems with a calmer mindset, children can then make more thoughtful decisions and respond to conflict from a place of composure, rather than stress. This can lead to a more positive experience of school.
School stress is a significant issue that is often neglected or brushed over as being “something we all have to go through.” A negative school experience can be immensely harmful for a child, with lasting effects well into adulthood. As therapists, we have the power to help our young clients navigate these challenges and show them how to build mental resilience to cope with the challenges that school presents.
Seeking therapy resources to help promote mindfulness in your young clients? Head to https://mindfulkids.io/shop/ to browse our selection of CBT resources for therapists who work with kids and teens. Our workbooks are downloadable and packed with activities like cognitive behavioral therapy worksheets in PDF form and mindfulness activities for kids and teens.
