Self-esteem and Social Media: A Difficult Combo for Teens
When you were a kid, chances are social media wasn’t a thing – or you were old enough to remember when it arrived, with things like MSN and MySpace on the cards, shortly followed by Facebook.
For teens who are in your practice now, social media isn’t something they remember arriving. It was there when they were born and they probably started using it when they were very young. And if they aren’t on it, chances are they have friends making fun of them for that!
The dangers of social media and screen time
Social media can be dangerous. There are creeps out there, as well as issues like cyberbullying. Social media can do serious damage to fragile self-esteem, a problem that’s tough enough for teens to deal with as is. Add in anxiety and depression as well as slipping grades and bad sleep thanks to excessive screen time and it’s enough to make you want to ban it then and there.
However, demonizing social media and screens is a one-way ticket to more problems. Banning social media will result in fake accounts being created that parents don’t know about. Even taking phones away can be navigated by crafty teens who likely have friends with spare phones where all that’s needed is a WiFi connection.
As a therapist, tackling issues like social media and screen time can be daunting. It might feel like we are trying to counsel on a subject where our client is the expert, not us. And yes, we may not know the latest slang or what app is most in favor, but we understand the impact it can have on our young clients, physically and emotionally.
How social media and screen time impacts our teens’ self-esteem
Daisy* came to my practice because her teachers were worried about her fatigue levels and concentration in class. Her parents were confused since she seemed fine at home, but brought her through nonetheless. In chatting with her parents, they indicated that Daisy* had less of an appetite than usual and had renewed interest in a gym membership, attending daily. They thought this was a positive development, good for stress release. Their bigger worry was that Daisy* was seldom without her phone. She’d sneak glances at it during dinner time and they’d take it away at night after catching her on it after midnight when she had school the next day.
It turned out that Daisy* was convinced she was fat. Her appetite had not lessened due to stress, as her parents believed, but rather she was deliberately eating less and often going to bed still hungry. Daisy* was far from overweight but compared to her friends (she showed me photos of her friends posing in bikinis), she felt “like a whale” (her exact words). Her renewed interest in gym was about burning as many calories as possible rather than getting fit or strengthening her body. When asked which accounts she liked following, she listed various (slim) fitness influencers, most of whom advocated for low calorie meals, intermittent fasting and ‘cleanses’.
In therapy, we started looking at how easy it is to edit various photos and even videos to make a body appear a certain way. We also worked through the benefits of unfollowing some of these problematic fitness influencers and she started following other fitness figures, especially those who are bigger, showing that fitness and strength can happen at any size. In consultation with her parents, her calorie intake at home was monitored to make sure she was eating enough for her height and age, and her concentration improved at school. We also worked on various self-esteem building exercises so Daisy* could start believing she had more to offer the world and herself than a small body.
Another client of mine, Daniel*, used to really enjoy social media. He had fun following his friends and various accounts that reflect his interests, like Formula One and his favorite soccer team. Occasionally, he’d post a picture of himself. His friends’ posts would get hundreds of likes from their thousands of followers. Daniel* felt lucky if he got ten likes on his post, one of which was from his finsta and another from his mom.
He felt self-conscious and started using his social media presence and popularity (or lack thereof) as an indication of his good looks and likeability. “An ugly loser” he called himself. He tried various methods to try increase his follower count and even considered ways of buying followers. He had friends in real life – he never sat alone during recess and was never without an invitation to do something fun over the weekend, but his social media made him feel like he wasn’t good enough.
When he was referred to my practice, we spoke about whether social media was serving him. When we checked his screen time, he was spending anywhere between six and nine hours a day on platforms (TikTok, Instagram, BeReal and Snapchat) that made him absolutely miserable. We went through various techniques to cut down his screen time and he soon found his mood improving. We also did various self-esteem exercises to boost his confidence. Eventually, he suggested that he stop posting on social media. He liked following other people and seeing what they’re up to but felt too much pressure to post himself on social media.
Once he took the pressure off himself to post, he started to enjoy social media more and stopped agonizing over how many likes and comments he was getting – since he wasn’t posting anything to comment on. Daniel* realized that he didn’t have to do social media the same way everyone else was.
These are just two case studies of social media and screen time and how it impacts our teams. There are so many more and likely you’ve seen plenty in your own practices too.
How can therapists help teens with social media/screen time issues
Firstly, we need to understand the platforms they’re on. Ask your clients to show you if you’re uncertain. They’ll appreciate you taking an interest!
Then, as therapists, we need to emphasize mindfulness around social media use so they can be more deliberate in their choices. Help them set realistic boundaries and screen time limits and promote self-esteem activities too, since social media can so easily be a negative influence in this area.
Try to encourage parents not to demonize technology and social media but rather emphasize how important they are in modeling good digital citizenship.
The aim is to empower teens to use social media wisely and in a balanced way, while protecting their self-esteem.
