5 Reasons Kids Aren’t Motivated in Therapy (And How to Change That!)
Confession: I’ve been working with kids and teens since day one, and while I absolutely love it, there’s one major challenge I’ve faced and still face to this day. That’s right, motivation. Or rather, the lack of it. No matter how authentic and empathetic I am, how many cool games I bring, how many hot chocolates I make ‘em, or stickers I pass out, I still come across kids that would rather be staring at a wall than in my office. Some might even rather be doing homework. Seriously…
In my early days as a therapist I took it personally. I thought it had something to do with my skill-set and ability to form working relationships. I even questioned whether I was the right professional. So you can imagine how relieved I was when I learned that a lack of motivation was in fact a common problem amongst young clients. And that many therapists (even really experienced ones!) faced similar challenges.
The Shocking Statistic
According to a study by the Journal of Clinical Child & Adolescent Psychology, about 40% of young clients drop out of therapy prematurely. That’s a staggering number, and it tells us something crucial: if kids and teens aren’t motivated, they’re not sticking around. If they don’t stick around, we can’t help them.
Understanding the Root Causes
After lots of thinking, reading, and tons of mistakes along the way, I’ve found five key reasons kids lack motivation in therapy. And trust me, they’re not what you might be thinking. In this blog, you’ll gain new insight into the real reasons why many kids lack motivation. You’ll also discover some simple yet powerful shifts you can make to get them more engaged.
As you read, think about a client you work with that lacks motivation. Do any of the reasons below fit for your client? What, if any, mindset changes can you make in your work with this client to help boost their motivation? And please, don’t be shy—share your thoughts and any questions in the comments below.
1. They Didn’t Ask for It
Let’s be real: kids don’t wake up one morning and say, “You know what I need? A good therapist.” Nope. They’re usually dragged into it by well-meaning parents or schools hoping to fix some behavior they find troublesome. Maybe the kid is hitting their younger brother or lying left and right. Teachers might suggest therapy because the kid is disrupting class or not socializing during recess. Imagine if you were suddenly sent to a knitting class because someone else thought your stress levels were too high. You didn’t ask for it, you don’t want it, and you don’t see the point. That’s exactly how kids feel about therapy. It’s a setup for resistance from the start. They’re not invested in the goals set by others, which often revolve around making them easier to manage rather than addressing their own needs or desires.
2. The Real Issue Isn’t Them
Sometimes, the real problem isn’t the kid at all. It’s the messy family dynamics swirling around them. Kids often become symptoms of family stress or dysfunction. Marital issues, mental health struggles, or unresolved family traumas can show up in a child’s behavior. Instead of addressing these underlying issues, it’s easier to label the child as the problem and send them off to therapy. It’s the classic scapegoat scenario where the child becomes the identified patient (IP). Kids aren’t dumb; they sense when they’re being used as a distraction from bigger issues. It’s tough to be motivated when deep down, you know it’s not about you. As therapists, we might encourage parents to sing along with Taylor Swift: “It’s me, hi! I’m the problem, it’s me!” Because sometimes, it’s not the child who’s the issue—it’s the family dynamics that need a closer look.
3. It’s Boring
No offense, but sitting in a room with an adult who’s asking you to talk about your feelings is…how do we say this nicely? BORING! Traditional therapy can be a drag for kids because it’s designed by adults, for adults. Kids are full of energy, curiosity, and a desire to explore. Many therapists expect kids to sit still and talk about their emotions like miniature grown-ups. But kids communicate through play, art, and creativity. Therapy needs to be dynamic, engaging, and yes, sometimes even fun to hold their interest. It’s not about turning sessions into escape rooms or VIP seats to a Billie Eilish concert, but finding ways to connect that resonate with their world. Interactive activities that invite kids to explore their strengths and values can spice things up and make sessions more fun.
4. They’d Rather Be Elsewhere
Think back to when you were a kid. Would you rather be sitting in a room talking about problems and feelings, or out playing with your friends, watching TikTok, or scarfing down double-stuffed pizza? Exactly. Kids would much rather be anywhere else but therapy. It’s not a lack of motivation; it’s about priorities. The kids we work with have activities, interests, and friends that they love. The idea of sacrificing these for an hour of therapy is not all that appealing. Ever try scheduling sessions with parents or teachers at times that don’t interfere with their busy lives? Now that’s challenging! A motivated kid is one who feels like therapy fits into their life, not the other way around.
5. You Just Don’t Get Them
“Ugh, you just don’t get it! Never mind, I dunno…” Sound familiar? Establishing rapport with kids requires genuine curiosity and respect for their unique interests and stories. What kid or teenager wants to open up to some old geezer who’s never played Minecraft or Roblox? Our job is to join kids in their worlds, which are vastly different from ours. This might mean learning a TikTok dance, becoming an expert on Percy Jackson, and at times, just being present without an agenda. Understanding a child’s mind and the language they speak is crucial for building a genuine connection. Without this, therapy feels pointless and disconnected.
Shaking Things Up
It’s easy to feel frustrated when the kids and teens we work with seem completely unmotivated. I can’t even count how many times I’ve wanted to throw my hands up with certain clients who have about as much motivation as a sloth on a lazy afternoon. The thing is, when we keep these reasons in the back of our minds, we can better understand these clients and find ways to make working with them easier and more effective.
So this is a call to shake things up a bit. Let’s replace those stiff chairs with cozy beanbags and swap the clinical questions with engaging and fun, creative activities. When therapy feels less like a chore and more like an adventure, kids and teens are more likely to explore their feelings and set their own goals. Let’s step into their world, speak their language (*bonus points if you know what “vibe check” means!), and watch as motivation kicks in. It’s not about changing the kids or teens; it’s about changing our approach.
* “Vibe check” is TikTok/Twitter slang to gauge someone’s mood. Try surprising kids by using the term in your next session to get a feel for their vibe and be the cool, “with-it” therapist. 😉
